Shit

Jay Reatard was alive and recording his second album last time i posted on this thing. Just as well. Blogging's kind of ego-maniacal, me thinks (hyphen or no hyphen?).

You do not have an 8 inch penis.

I am sick of hearing stupid girls go on about how big their boyfriends dicks are when all they have to compare it to is porn and the 2-3 guys (girls that have been with more dudes than that know better) they've fucked. Before you ask, I have more than 2-3 dicks and porn to compare it to. Har har har. I'm also sick of every guy on the internet saying he has an 8 inch dick. I don't think they tell people that out of pure narcissism, moreso that they don't know how to measure their penises. I'm going to clear this up once and for all.

If you measure your penis from the side, you get two extra inches cause there's a little valley between your crotch and thigh. This is the wrong way to measure your penis:

Not 8 inches


The correct way would be to press it directly over your penis into your pelvis, where there's no valley, so it gives you no extra length. This is the correct way to measure your penis:

Still not 8 inches

See, and you're really not even 5 inches long. Pathetic.

If you still think you/your boyfriend has an 8 inch penis after reading this, This is an 8 inch penis:

actually, it's an 8 inch dildo

Good day, pussycakes.

Internet obligations need to be fulfilled

Marlon Brando reputedly suggested that his cameo role as Jor-El in Superman (1978) be done by him in voiceover only, with the character's image onscreen being a glowing, levitating green bagel. The film's producers formally rejected the suggestion.

My company for the last week

has included:

person 1: A 14 year old sixth grader who tried to impale the back end of a ping pong paddle into my head .

person 2: A 16 year old band girl that carried around a stuffed animal and worshiped Miley Cyrus.

person 3: My roommate. A cocky, son of a preacher, football player that told me stories about how he fucked UF cheerleaders and peed in people's drinks.He also had a gas/snoring/flushing toilet/peeing in the toilet problem. I got about 15 hours of sleep since thursday.

person 4: A bulimic, preppy slut that constantly hit on said football player. Also, there needs to be an amendment to the constitution that makes having a southern accent and using ebonics a federal crime.

person 5: a middle school jock that constantly bragged, except in group therapy, when he'd break down and say how worthless he was.

person 6: A schizophrenic, psychotic (not exaggerating. she had no grasp of reality) 12 year old that chased her imaginary friends down the hall, was convinced one of the nurses was her mom, the 6th grader was her boyfriend, and freddie krueger lived in the examining room. She was, by far, the coolest person there.

Strangely enough, I feel refreshed. Yay for Loony Bins.

Death of a Zealot

Most of this biographical, but I really embellished it. I don’t want people to think they know me from a 600 word poem on the internet.

Life gives us all something, whether we like it or not.

Life gave me a loving home which was minimally dysfunctional

and I always could fall back on family whenever I needed to .



Life gave me opportunities to learn and succeed

and I used them to make myself a smarter person.



Life gave me a mind

And I used this mind to question and fight for what I thought noble.



Life gave me friends who idolized me

We’d go to each others’ houses, and I’d rant and they’d listen.



Life gave me a heart

And it came in handy when I cared about things.



Life gave me the ability to live, so I lived

And I thought living was alright.



At some point, though, the things life gave me started to change the way I thought and acted.



Life gave me a loving home which was minimally dysfunctional

And I could fall back on my family whenever I needed to

So I started to fall back on them a lot.



Life gave me opportunities to learn and succeed

And I used them to make myself a smarter person

but I started wondering why I should be a smarter person.



Life gave me a mind

And I did use this mind to question and fight for what I did think was noble

Only to figure out it things wouldn’t change, and this made me bitter.



Life gave me friends who idolized me

And we did go to each others’ houses, where I ranted and they listened

But I was bitter now, and this started to irk them.



Life gave me a heart

And it did come in handy when I cared about things

But eventually, all things come to an end, and that hurts.



Life gave me the ability to live

And I did think living was alright

But as they say, life was starting to give me lemons.



Then at another point, they way I thought and acted started to change what life gave me.



Life gave me a loving family which wasn’t dysfunctional

And I could always fall back on my family when I needed to

So I fell back on them a lot

I guess I fell back on them too much, cause they aren’t there anymore.



Life gave me opportunities to learn and succeed

And I did use them to make myself a smarter person

And I did start wondering why I should be a smarter person

Now that I think of it, being a smarter person just made me bitter. I think I’ll be dumb now.



Life gave me a mind

And I did use this mine to question and fight for what I thought was noble

And I figured out things wouldn’t change, and that made me bitter

So I forgot about fighting, and what’s really noble turned into a mystery.



Life gave me friends who idolized me

And we did go to each others’ houses, where I ranted and they listened

But then I was bitter, and that started to irk them

So we fought, and now we aren’t friends anymore.



.. ..

Life gave me a heart

And it did come in handy when I cared about things

But all things do come to an end, and that does hurt

But only if you continue to care about them.



Life gave me the ability to live

And I thought living was alright

And, as they say, life was starting to give me lemons

But they didn't realize you need sugar and water to make lemonade.

I was recently in a room

of about 20 people in their mid twenties-early thirties, and about 3 teenagers. The adults acted silly and obnoxious, like a bunch of little kids. The 3 teenagers stood around talking about really intellectually stimulating stuff. I grew up faster than them.

Drunken conversations with unforgiving exes.

Well, I didn't beg her to come back to me and profess my love or anything, so I'm not that pathetic at least. We were good friends after we broke up for awhile and I'm wondering why we washed our hands of each other over something so petty. Which, for those of you that aren't my biographers, is screwing another girl months after we broke up. I like to think we had something deeper than a typical naive teenage relationship and we're mature enough to let bygones be bygones. Creepy guys like me don't get too many real friends in life and I wanna be on good terms with the person that probably knows more about me than I do. No dice. Life goes on.